For a long time now I have believed that the things we are attracted to - the attributes in the people we admire, the traits they have which make us envious, and little physical characteristics or personality quirks that we think are smart or sexy or charming - give us insight into who we truly want to be. I believe that the attraction, that emotional reaction that says, "Wow, why don't I have that?" is really, "Oh, so that's what I am supposed to look like." It's not always clean and simple. Sometimes we get confused about what it is exactly that attracts us. Sometimes it's not the culture or the traditions but the experience of being connected to your history or the experience of feeling rooted and a sense of belonging. It may not be her thinness that you envy but her sense of style and the comfort she has in her own skin. Regardless, I find that this rule I have about attraction is true for me in all sorts of ways.
More and more these days, when I step back and take a look at my life, I feel that attraction and excitement for pieces of my own existence. These can be physical things like the sight of my tattooed and pedicured feet peeking out from my jeans, or my hair today, which finally feels like it is making use of it's natural thickness and curl to frame my face the way I always wanted it to. Or they can be emotional and psychological things, like the peace I have achieved with my body or the realization that I'm no longer a worrier. They can also be actual accomplishments, like being someone who spent a year in New York on her own, or who returned to school in her 30's to finish her BA, or who survived a divorce and became stronger afterwards, or even someone who has discovered that following her heart's call again and again after all these years of struggle isn't foolish and naive but is in fact a special kind of courage.
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| Embracing my NYC Butchness |
I'm happy. I like who I am and I'm really happy. And after the life I have led and the people I have lost, I know that I really truly deserve to finally just be happy. There is still a lot I want to accomplish: goals to meet, challenges to master, smaller but present wounds to heal. There is still so much I need to become. But I can't wait to figure it all out, to keep discovering new glorious pieces of myself and bring them into being. And the greatest thing I could ever wish for any of you is that you find this kind of peace too.
So, here's to your search for self and the life you will love to live.
Thanks for sharing part of your journey with me. It wouldn't be the same without you.
(PS It would, however, be really nice to be employed, lol... I'm just putting that out there.)